All My Children Discussion Group

Topic: Question to men and women: Do you need...

The reason why I ask is because I was raised in a traditional family and expected to believe in God and go to church and get married. Now I am expected to be a feminist who is focused on my career and I don't need men or sex. What a switcheroo!

What do you think??

Your married friend probably has sex available any time she wants it and thereby, it seems less important.  Or maybe her husband isn't a stellar performer.  Or maybe she is menopausal and her libido is in low drive.  Or maybe --who knows?

We don't NEED men or sex (or women, depending on the individual to make us happy, but sometimes it sure helps.  Sort of the icing on the cake...or maybe going from a basic plain yellow sheet cake to a fancy, three tiered, fancy icing in between every layer exotic cake with sprinkles on top, ya know?

There's absolutely NOTHING wrong with you asking a guy out for lunch.  It's the pits that he didn't respond.  I am not very comfortable in the boy-girl thing any more, either and know how awkward I feel sometimes.  I swear, when I flirt with a guy, he either misunderstands or blows it out of proportion.  On the other hand, when I'm not interested--they think I am!  Just for laughs, let me tell you what happened this morning...

I get picked up for work.  My ride (a guy) is supposed to pick me up at 7:45 AM.  For some reason, he has always shown up at 7:30.  I don't like it, but even though I'm helping with gas, it saves me money so I don't complain and I've gotten used to it.  The past couple times he has arrived even earlier.  Today, it was 7:15.  I said to him in a somewhat grumbly voice, "You start showing up any earlier, you'll have to roll me out of bed, brush my teeth and dress me (okay, maybe that was stupid)."  It was NOT said in a friendly, inviting way!!  Ah, but he says, "Promises, promises!" in a flirty way and tried to put my seatbelt on for me!!!!  Yikes!  He also talked the whole way to work, which he doesn't normally do.  I WAS NOT FLIRTING!!  = )

I've come a long way in the being happy by myself thing but that doesn't mean I wouldn't love to find a nice guy to share my life with.  It certainly doesn't mean I don't get lonely or that I don't want sex.  And just being part of a couple doesn't mean you don't get lonely or that you are automatically sexually satisfied.

How happy is your friend in her marriage, and did she always work and does she feel she missed out on career opportunities because of work, marriage or kids?  Sounds like maybe she's unhappy with her own choices.

Either way, don't beat yourself up for being absolutely normal!  And don't let one guy who didn't return your interest stop you from looking for a nice guy to spend time with and enjoy life with!

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Thanks,vh, I think that you and i are in the same boat. I don't think that it's fair for my friend to say that I am obsessed about wanting a man. Sure, I would like a man. But he has to be special -- the icing on the cake as you say.. Holly

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Posted by: Holly
Date posted: Wed Nov 4 16:10:08 2009
Message:
I should have given a better explanation of what is going on in my life. My post didn't make sense without giving more details.

I haven't had a date in a long time. I'm fiftysomething. I've been working out a lot and losing weight. After my ex-fiance broke up with me, I gained about 30 pounds. I've always been skinny and the extra weight made me feel awful and unattractive. Now I'm looking better and feeling better about myself. I'm ready for a relationship.

So I met this cute guy. I don't know him very well but I know that he is single and he acted flirty with me so I took that as a signal that he is interested. I sent him an e-mail and asked him if he would like to meet for lunch sometime. This is very out of character for me because I'm shy. But sometimes loneliness can make you do things that you would not normally do.

Well, he didn't answer my e-mail. It's been about 3 weeks. I was feeling depressed and kind of embarrassed about it so I asked for advice from my married friend, Diana.

DIana told me that I don't need a man or sex to be happy. She thinks that I am obsessed with wanting a man. She said that women these days should focus on a career and men and sex are not necessary.

So that is why I made this post. She made me feel like there is something wrong with me because I want a man in my life.

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Holly, thanks so much for the explanation, your post does make much more sense now. Of course I don't know the situation, but I get the impression that your friend is either unhappy or unsatisfied and is actually envious of your single status. She may wish that she had the freedom you have, and can't understand why you can't fully enjoy it. (The grass is always greener, ya know?) Before I met my husband there were times I was so lonely it hurt. I asked several guys out, it never worked out, and I always ended up feeling like a desperate fool. Then the minute I stopped looking, I found what I was looking for. Sorry for this long response - I think I'm almost done lol. All I want to say is, love yourself, take care of yourself, do the things you love to do, and I'd be willing to bet that when you least expect it, love will find you. I know, sounds hokey, but that's how it worked for me. ((((Hugs)))) to you! //Wendi

Thanks, Wendi, you are a sweet person. I'm glad that you found a special guy. eom Holly

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Posted by: PhoenixTamer
Date posted: Wed Nov 4 1:50:34 2009
Message:

Physical pleasure is a very nice deal.

I have certain beliefs but I certainly have not been able to be a saint my whole life.

However, young as I am, the older I get, the more I find that it really and truly is nicer with someone you love, imo.

Make any sense lol?

chris

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Thanks, Chris. I get confused about men and dating (see my above post). I'm stupid when it comes to men. LOL. Holly

I doubt That, Holly!!! :) ... - chris

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Posted by: ingyandbert
Date posted: Tue Nov 3 21:51:40 2009
Message:
I agree with what the others said.  Somewhere along the line, someone gave you a very distorted impression of what feminism is.  But regardless of that, forget what people taught you about a woman's ''traditional role'' or so-called feminism -- just do what feels right for you.

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Thanks,i&b, I was confused by what my married friend told me. (see above post). My own definition of feminism is that a woman should have a career, a husband and children if she wants them. Holly

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Posted by: Wendi
Date posted: Tue Nov 3 20:16:48 2009
Message:
Holly, I don't know where you got your definition of feminism. At its simplest, feminism is the belief in the social, political, and economic equality of the sexes. I interpret that as a woman's freedom to choose how to live her life - married, single, housewife, career woman, mother, childless. To answer your question, I believe most people - men and women - do want/need intimate relationships. But there are always exceptions, and if a woman chooses to forsake intimacy to concentrate on her career, she should have every right to do so without being judged or labeled.

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I think you said it best. / Vivian

Perfectly put. // Shea

I wouldn't say that it's my personal definition of feminism. (See my above post) I'm confused about what my married friend said to me. Thanks for your response. eom Holly

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Posted by: Miss.Bear
Date posted: Tue Nov 3 18:42:41 2009
Message:

I know the feminist movement was before my time but did they really say to give up men and sex for a career? That's pretty messed up if they did. I always thought it was about equal pay for a woman for the same job a man does which is only fair and stuff like that.

I want to be married some day and not have kids. I have people who think it is selfish of me to not want kids. I have my reasons. Also I don't think people who don't want kids should be made to feel they should. It's their buisness.

What I'm saying is you should do what you need to do and not what is expected of you. I think statistcly(sp) married people are happier.

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Miss.Bear, please don't let anyone make you feel selfish for not wanting to have kids. First of all, it's no one's business but you and your future husband. There's nothing selfish about choosing not to bring children into the world that you don't really want. My sister has no kids and she's the most giving person I know. And believe me, you're not alone. People with one child (like me) are called selfish, as are people who have lots of kids. I guess unless you have the requisite 2.3 children, you're not doing what society expects and are therefore selfish. Ridiculous. //Wendi

I agree with Wendi. If you don’t want children don’t have them and ignore anyone who calls you selfish. / Vivian

Miss Bear, your choice not to have children makes you a feminist. Why? You are a woman and you've made a choice about your life. No one should dictate who you are. The feminist movement was not about giving up men, it was about being able to make decisions for what was good for us. Each individual, not a group of one idea but a group knowing we had a right to chose our own path. izi.

Too bad more don't make that decision. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent. We've known people who decided parenthood was not for them, and we never considered it to be a selfish choice. They had their reasons too, and they had nothing to do with selfishness. // Shea

Statistically, Men are happier married. Not women. (silva)

I never considered myself a feminist. I just believe that people who do not want children should not have them and shouldn't feel pressured or guilted. Sometimes family members will pressure them. If they want to have 5 kids that's great but kids aren't for everybody. I know I have my reasons. I could change my mind down the road but if not that's okay.There's plenty of married couples without kids who are happy and very kind selfless people. I don't think it's just men who are happier married. I think married people for the most part are happier. I know I don't want to be alone my whole life. I would like to have a nice husband by my side some day.

Hi, Miss Bear, I don't think there is anything wrong with not wanting children. Patrick Swayze and his wife didn't have children and they had a great marriage.( See my above post for a better explanation of what I meant). Thanks, Holly

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Posted by: izi
Date posted: Tue Nov 3 18:21:46 2009
Message:

Holly, I am confused.  What era did you grow up in?  I grew up in the 70's.  I also grew up in a ''traditional'' and very old world Italian/American home and still know that I am a woman.  I'm a Wife, Mother, and Woman.  I don't go to church so much, but not for any particular reason.  I just never felt the need to talk to God in his house.  My house is good too.  Family traditions?  Did I say I was an Italian/ American?  Feminist....now that's the trick question right?

I believe in a women's right to choose, for heath care, abortion, and happiness.    I believe in equal pay, equal medial coverage and if I chose,  to legally marry the same sex.  I believe that I would want my husband to have equal rights for leave of absences when I give birth.  I don't consider myself a feminist or liberal.  I just know what I want and need as a woman and what rights I should have. 

Holly what is your issue?

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Can I just delete what I wrote? I just saw your little comment, above your post. Yes you do need intimate relationships but inside for more...izi

Well said, izi, and I agree with you beliefs. Holly, the feminist movement never once said that a woman should give up men and sex. Good grief. Bonnie

Hi, izi and Bonnie, see my post above. I realize that I didn't explain myself well. Thanks for the advice. eom Holly

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