Topic Posted by: Bertha
Date Posted: Fri Jul 18 7:52:58 2008
Additional Comments: spouse or lover cheating, should you tell? It happend to me and I was advised not to because the person ends up hating the messenger, and the couple may work it out anyway.
Posted by: Melissa G Date posted: Fri Jul 18 23:31:05 2008
Message: I had exactly this dilemma with my best friend a couple of years ago. I was dating her fiance's best friend (we met them together when on vacation). Anyway, I found out that her fiance went back to his hometown and stayed at his ex-girlfriend's house for 2 weeks. Of course, he had slept with the ex the whole time (my boyfriend told me because the fiance had told him). He was a real loser.
Anyway, they were three months from their big destination wedding in Jamaica and I was supposed to be the maid of honor. I couldn't decide what to do, but finally I decided to tell her about it. I told her I don't know exactly what had happened, but he had stayed with the ex for two weeks and she needed to ask him about it. She ended up cancelling the wedding and he was really pissed at both me and my boyfriend for "telling on him." Like I wouldn't tell my friend?? I didn't talk to her for a couple of months.
She ended up marrying him 4 months later after they supposedly worked everything out. Then she found out he was looking for anonymous sex partners on craigslist (through his e-mail account, which he left open). He was a total pig. Then she had to go through a messy divorce -- and he's still dragging things out.
Bottom line, I'm glad I told her because he could have ended up giving her a disease or something. I couldn't have lived with myself if I had known he was putting her life in danger and didn't say anything. She admitted she was kind of angry with me at the time, but that she knows I love her and was glad I told her about it. She said it was hard to have me as her friend while she was trying to make things work with him -- because she knew I thought he was disgusting. We're great friends again now, and she's happily engaged to a new, sweet guy.
I echo the sentiments of a poster below. Nowadays, a partner cheating on a spouse could mean he/she brings a deadly disease or infection back to your friend. It's better to tell.
There may be times when I'd think it was none of my business, and I'd keep my mouth shut. But I think nowadays, you probably SHOULD tell someone. This isn't like the 60s and 70s, when it was just immoral to do it. In these times, you are putting your spouse in mortal danger when you cheat; just ask Amanda Blake. I think people have a right to know if there spouse is cheating around and could be bringing diseases home to give to you. I lean toward telling them anyway, but with this added physical danger, the person has the right to make up their own mind if you have knowledge that something is going on.
Posted by: happy Date posted: Fri Jul 18 13:02:08 2008
Message: Luckily, this has never happened to me, but I really think this requires a situational answer. Am I friends with just the wife or is the husband my friend too? Do I know the third party? How sure am I that there was cheating? Has my friend asked me directly or in any way indicated that she suspects something?
I don't think I would know what I'd do until I was in the situation.
Posted by: Allison Date posted: Fri Jul 18 11:43:54 2008
Message: I would go to the cheating spouse and say I know about your affair, I'm giving you one week to come clean or I'll tell your wife for you. I don't agree that the wife probably already knows, that sort of betrayal just doesn't occur to many people. My husband had an affair and I was completely clueless. There were signs, in retrospect, but the thought that he was cheating on me didn't even cross my mind until the night the idea popped into my head and confronted him. I found out later his mother had known about the affair FOR MONTHS. I wish she'd told my husband to come clean or end it. It is still hard for me to get past that, especially since she holds a grudge against me for the smallest silliest things. If one of my children was cheating on her spouse there'd be hell to pay.
Posted by: Janie Date posted: Fri Jul 18 11:38:39 2008
Message: Good topic, Bertha, I think if I was the one being cheated on, I would want my best friend to tell me if she knew and I don't think I could be mad at her for doing it. OTOH, if I knew about her husband having an affair, I'm not sure I would have the courage to tell her. I know it sounds like a double standard but that's just what I feel.
I was in this situation about 20 years ago. One woman friend's husband was having an affair with another woman friend, and the two women knew each other. First I made it clear to the second woman what I thought of her, and we were never friends again. Then I decided to keep my mouth shut, hoping the affair might run its course and end. Well, a few months later the husband told his wife he was leaving her. She asked him if there was someone else and he said "I thought you must know. Dolphina knows, and I can't believe she didn't tell you."
So then I was in trouble for not telling. Sometimes you just can't win. Luckily, the wife eventually understood my reasons and we were able to remain friends.
When I was about 22 years old, my best friend told me she discovered my first love and long-time boyfriend had a child from another woman. I was completely floored. Once I confronted him and he verified it, I never spoke to him or saw him again. But it took me several years to really get over the fact that my best friend was the one who told me. We talked about it and I let her know what I was feeling, and to this day, we are still best friends. But every once in a while even after all these years and many other boyfriends and a marriage, I still get a tinge of some sort of resentment from that day. So, from my experience, I know I want to know about it, but I'm not sure if I want a friend to tell me. It probably shouldn't matter, but in the back of my mind, I think it does. I have also been on the other end where I saw a friend's boyfriend out with someone else, but in that instance I chose not to tell her. When they finally broke up, I told her then.
Posted by: Babyducks Date posted: Fri Jul 18 10:17:24 2008
Message: IMO, the right thing to do would be to tell the wife. She has a right to know. Of course, it would be done in a most delicate way. I couldn't stand to see my friend continue to be used in such a dispicable way.
Posted by: Miss Marple Date posted: Fri Jul 18 9:53:28 2008
Message: I would not tell, however I would talk to the cheating spouse or partner and let them know that while you have no intention of betraying them, enough other people know that the injured party will no doubt find out; just a friendly warning so that he/she can be prepared. It still may injure the friendship, but if it does it was not ever a real friendship.
By any chance are you listening to the syndicated Tom Joyner Morning Show? That's the topic of the day. In any case, that's a tough call.
When my first husband was cheating, our mutual friends dropped enough hints for me to figure it out. After it was all said and done, my friendship with them wasn't the same. We divorced and neither of us remained friends with the couple who told. Now that I'm older, wiser, and remarried, I still think I'd want someone to tell me, even if it forever altered that friendship. Now, would I tell...I just don't know. Some people don't want to know the truth. And, even after you tell your friend his/her spouse is cheating, the marriage may remain even though both parties end up hating you.
Posted by: silver Date posted: Fri Jul 18 8:37:39 2008
Message: Do not tell the wife. Chances are she already knows and is handling things her way. Not every wife is as clueless as Lily. Telling the wife may only remind her of how public what she sees as her humiliation is. So don't tell her now and never tell her you knew.
Posted by: Tammy518 Date posted: Fri Jul 18 8:16:14 2008
Message: I've never been faced with that, and am not sure what I'd do, but I've always heard what you said, that the person ends up hating the messenger.
