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DOOL Discussion Group
So now she is over 18. Had the freedom and responsibility of being on her own in college. Makes good choices no problems. (just make sure she finds time to study!)
Now she is home, seeing the High school friends, which she needs now alot bc she and her long time Boyfriend just broke up! :(
I told her when she was home one) must get a job two) pay for her fun stuff three) keep front bath room clean bc she is sharing with my son.
Four) help clean up house, wash your dishes, clothes etc.
Now last night went out, one friend picked her up (still does not drive) and went to another, and hung out came home around 1 am. Thats fine, but dog barked, I was half asleep, I work up, dog jumped on bed, had trouble sleeping then.
Tonite going out with those friends and some other. One of the girls is getting a tounge piercing and she (that girl) was the *wild one* and I had hoped daughter had outgrown some of them. Well she has only been home a few days. I said to her, I don't want you to go out every night, bc I have to sleep and can't sleep if I am half listening for you.
I hope you don't want a piercing (she did come home with extra inner ear pierce)
she said *well I am 18, why can't I have one* she wasn't mad or mean or anything kind of smiling, but letting me know * I am 18, a college student, been on my own made my own choices* Which is true, but she is home here now for the summer.
SO I course I can be strict and *lay the law* down. With her friends also working and she will get a job, she might not have so much time to go out. Also she just broke up with the BF so being with these friends is good. But what do you think is a good way to handle. Or how did your parents handle it? I moved out at 19 and never went back home, so did not go thru this. To me now days 19 seems so young. I am glad she is strong and independent but when she is gone,(to college) I am not aware of her coming and going, but now I am!
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We went through the same thing several years ago. Son and daughter are now 24 and 26, married and gone, so in one way, I envy you.
What we found is that after the year at college, they come home and cling to the old gang, but after several weeks, with working schedules and such, its back to just them and their best friends hanging out.
We still had a curfew we quoted someone, can't remember who, who said "Nothing good ever happens after 2:00 am.". We never stayed up to wait (but of course Mom's ear was always listening for the garage door opener) but asked them to let us know when they were in.
We always told them like above - our house, our rules, but also extended it to our cars, our rules. Even when we provided cars for their exclusive use, we paid for maintenace, etc. and they stayed in our names. They were expected to buy gas for their use.
Treasure this time. Your daughter is now an adult, almost all turned out, and soon, just when she begins to be delightful company to live with again, she's getting married or moving out.
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As for how my parents handled it, well, my mom was still not treating me as an adult when I moved out at 29 (after I got married). There really weren't many things that she considered off-limits for rule-making. It's partly a cultural difference. From her perspective, parental authority does not end until you get married. Some of the more conservative and traditional Indians would say that it does not end even then. (There are still some who live in joint families, although that isn't really the norm anymore. So there is still this idea of men continuing to live under the authority of their parents, and women under their in-laws', well into adulthood.) So, it's partly a cultural thing, but it's also partly a personality thing.
As for what I think, well, as I've said in earlier topics, I do *not* consider the legal age of adulthood to be an indicator of actual adult maturity, and I do not consider the average college student to be a real adult. I think that most of them are in more of a transition phase. So I don't see anything wrong with continuing to parent them to a certain extent during those years. Children should gradually be given more and more freedom to make their own choices, and I don't think that has to suddenly come to a stop on the 18th birthday. It can continue to be phased out during college.
Of course, this is where there can be a conflict with the law. At 18, they can legally move out and be completely on their own, giving you no ability to parent, and there's not much you can do at that point. But if they continue to live at home, and you continue to pay for their education, I'd say, go ahead and set whatever conditions you think are appropriate for both of you, but make sure that they are all discussed and explained. She is old enough for that. I don't see anything wrong with telling her to be home at a more reasonable hour on most nights, and later only once in a while. I don't think not being able to come home at 1pm every night to be a big deal.
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My roof, my rules. I've never set curfews, but asked for respect by being quiet when she comes in and not staying out too late on weekdays because I work. She pretty much obeys. Wednesday and Thursday nights seem big with the college crowd.
Sounds like you have it under control. As for the piercings, etc., my rule is that as long as you living home and I'm paying your way - you at least give me the courtesy of asking. At that point, I'm able to provide enough amunition to talk her out of it.
Good Lucky,
Nicky
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I think she should be allowed to make her adult choices as long as she doesn't disturb the household. Meaning - making no noise when she comes back, and not having friends over in those hours.
I don't know what she can do about a barking dog, though. She'll get a job soon (that's a good rule), but in the meantime she's allowed to have fun and go out after the school year with her friends. I'm sure you can find some reasonable solution that would work for both of you.
As for piercing. I think it is a personal choice that in no way related to you whatsoever. She could have done it during the school year and come home with it, and I think it is a bit silly that she could do it during the school year, not not now.
You can dislike it, and you can voice your opinion. But I wouldn't go forbidding that. It is a matter of personal taste, nothing more.
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bon, not sure if this helps or not because my daughter hasn't gone away, yet. she's 20 and the rule with us is if we are paying for college, which we are, for her room and board still, we are, then during the work week she needs to be in at a reasonable hour..11p.m.
during the weekend she still has a curfew. we agreed to 2 a.m.
that is something you basically need to sit down and talk to her about. it's tough!! i haven't had the leave and return factor but still, kids need to respect their parents' rules and to why..you are tired, you have to get up early. she should understand.
good luck!!!!
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