Topic Posted by: enjee
Date Posted: Sun Apr 27 12:29:20 2008
Additional Comments:
I was reading the parenting advice topic a little way up and Lisa P made the comment about not hearing anything positive about parenting. Come on parents, let's give her something good to hear!
Okay, I've only been a parent for only 7 years so I know I will have a lot to learn as I approach the tween and teen years (gasp!). But, I can honestly say that being a parent is extremely rewarding. There are tough moments, but the good moments far outweigh them. I never really "got it" when people talked about how strongly they loved their kids until I had one of my own. Holy cow! It's amazing! Those hugs and the "I love yous", the endless artwork they do for you "just because", watching them sleep - oh it's amazing. I never thought I could love another human being as much as I love my daughter.
Yes, parenting is hard and some days you will want to throw in the towel, but the rewards are so worth it. I may talk differently when my daughter hits those tough years LOL, but for now, I know that I can't imagine my life any other way.
I got my daughters a little bit older. The youngest one was 16 and I have to share them with their mom. Obviously, things have not gone well between me and the redhead. That said, I have learned from the experiences of other DOOLies who have a bad relationship with their step-mom and realized that the best I can do with her right now is to encourage PB to maintain an active relationship with her. The people who seem to carry the bitterness towards their step-mother are the ones who lost any semblance of a relationship with their dad. The rest will fall into place in years to come.
I have a great relationship with my youngest step-daughter. At times, she seems to think of herself as an only child in the family with me and PB. When it is just the three of us (or especially when it is just her and me), she seems to act more like an only child than the baby of the family. She was this way when she was 13 years old and she seems to have reverted to this mindset.
It wasn't easy getting to this point. When PB and I first got married, she tested me and fought our relationship. She felt disloyal to her mom if she was close to me. She was rude and disrespectful at times. I had to set very narrow boundaries with her regarding how I would allow myself to be treated. She didn't like that, but once she tested and confirmed the boundaries, she became comfortable with them. Adjustment is never easy and I kept my eye on the long term relationship instead of getting upset by the intermediate difficulties.
The biggest thing I learned during this past year was that one of the biggest sources of frustration for me was when expectations and reality did not line up. I thought things would be a certain way and I got angry when they weren't. I am sure that some of the blonde's rudeness earlier was also due to a mismatch between expectations and reality for her as well. None of it was really earth-shattering though and most of it was able to be resolved through a series of simple conversations. One of the best things that I learned to do was to ask "what expectation do you think is reasonable?" I might tell the blonde "I want you to have X as your expectation."
Like me, you will be getting a ready-made kid who has established likes and dislikes. And even worse, your kid will expect you to be clairvoyant in knowing these things. That was so frustrating for her and for me. She didn't like what I bought and would be rude about it. With time, she realized that she could give me direct feedback and that having this information made things a lot easier for me because it would be a slightly different grab for Flavor A instead of Flavor B at the Piggly Wiggly. It made no difference to me whatsoever. Now, if I buy Flavor B, I tell her that I grabbed the wrong flavor accidentally, she knows that I am not doing so deliberately and she tells me that she appreciates the effort.
This weekend, she played varsity and I could not have been more excited about her performance than if she had been my own kid. After the game we were back at home. She was sore and tired. She plopped her feet in my lap and asked for a foot massage. It was a tender moment. She wanted comfort and she wanted comfort from me.
I may not be getting the sloppy kisses from a 2 year old. But to have her wanting me to take her prom dress shopping or to give her foot massages is all of the endorsement I need.
The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140 for a middle income family. Talk about sticker shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.
But $160,140 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into $8,896.66 a year, $741.38 a month, or $171.08 a week. That's a mere $24.24 a day! Just over a dollar an hour. Still, you might think the best financial advice is don't have children if you want to be "rich." Actually, it is just the opposite.
What do you get for your $160,140?
Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
Glimpses of God every day.
Giggles under the covers every night.
More love than your heart can hold.
Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
A hand to hold, usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
A partner for blowing bubbles, flying kites, building sandcastles, and skipping down the sidewalk in the pouring rain.
Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the boss said or how your stocks performed that day.
For $160,140, you never have to grow up.
You get to finger-paint, carve pumpkins, play hide-and-seek, catch lightning bugs, and never stop believing in Santa Claus.
You have an excuse to keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh, watching Saturday morning cartoons, going to Disney movies, and wishing on stars.
You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day. For $160,140, there is no greater bang for your buck.
You get to be a hero just for retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof, taking the training wheels off a bike, removing a splinter, filling a wading pool, coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream.
You get a front row seat to history to witness the first step, first word, first bra, first date, and first time behind the wheel.
You get to be immortal.
You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match. In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under God. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so . . one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. We all know they grow up too soon.
Lisa, I’ve been a MOM for almost twice as long as I wasn’t a MOM.I can assure you there is no job on Earth that I’d rather have.Nothing in my life compares to the joys of motherhood – nothing.My daughter and sons are the best gifts I’ve ever been given.
Motherhood brings with it a set of realities and responsibilities that will forever change your direction, your priorities, your planning and your heart.My best advice is to cherish each and every moment because those little moments fly by far too quickly.
Posted by: cc Date posted: Mon Apr 28 2:10:06 2008
Message:
How about the ''toddler knee hug''? It had been a while since I had one, but now that babycc is walking, I get a regular dose. All 18 pounds of him, charging across the room, his face & eyes lighting up when he sees his mama, coming at me like a cannon, & grabbing my knees for a big, huge, mommy hug. Seriously Lisa, you will find there are so many little kisses, smiles, hugs, laughs, and even some tears that can bring you to your knees with love. Your girl will be a little bigger, so you'll probably get thigh hugs. (but you're taller than I, so who knows)
Let me tell you part of my adoption story. So many people only hear the bad things, but that's the way it goes. We hear almost all of the horrendous ones & very few of the good ones.
I didn't know birthmom too far ahead. She had chosen parents who, at almost the last minute, decided they did not want an Hispanic child. Many girls, at this point, decide to keep the baby. No one else wants it. She went back to the adoption counselor & said (wise beyond her years, I thought).....you know, this doesn't really change anything about my situation. Then she found us. Baby 7 days later. On discharge day, she asked for time alone with the baby & then wanted me to come to the room so she could give the baby to me. Sobbing (both of us) she rocked the baby & told me that she knew that I was going to give her everything that she needed, but she wanted the baby to always know that she loved her. How did I ever get out of that room? I was sobbing my guts out. As I hit the door, I turned & ran back in the room and said..... thank you. She looked at me and said, ''No, thank YOU.''
I remember discussion with dd when she was really starting to understand adoption. I told her it takes a very big heart & a lot of love to make the decision that your baby will be better off if you place the baby with someone else. (me sobbing again) I know your situation will be different, but you will be giving this girl an incredible gift.... parents & a family who loves her. She will steal your heart. I also remember the day I told my daughter that when you have a child, then you truly know what it means to know that you would give your life, anything, for another person.
Posted by: ML Date posted: Sun Apr 27 22:09:10 2008
Message:
From the warm little arms around your neck when they're little to the sounds of ''this is good'' at the dinner table to the ''I love you'' on the phone before you hang up the phone...it's all good. Well, 99.995% good. I've never had a moment of regret...never...
And about the adoption stories, Lisa...it's something that's gotten my goat for years. Something happens with a child who is adopted... you hear about it with the tagline ''adopted child.'' When something happens with a naturally born child, you hear nothing. Absolutely absurd...
Posted by: Tess Date posted: Sun Apr 27 21:30:59 2008
Message: I never had the desire to have a child, but I eneded up having one anyway. I loved it so much that I had more. For me, the "maternal instinct" appeared after I had a child. Raising kids is hard work, but it's worth it. The good times outweigh the bad. They make life more fun and interesting. It would be a boring life without them.
Posted by: Barb Date posted: Sun Apr 27 21:22:17 2008
Message: Lisa, Your life will change forever,,,,,,,,,I won't lie,,,,,,,,,it isn't a piece of cake, raising kids these days. Things were a little bit different back when mine were growing up, but today is so different. The world has changed so much. You will be great parents and teach her to be a good person. You will have to set boundaries and some times she will not like the rules you set. You worry more raising a daughter, but sons can be hard too only in a different way. Oh Yes, raising a child is the most rewarding job you will ever have. Be sure to make lots of memories and take lots of pictures to document her life. As a Grandmother and Great- Grandmother I have written letters to the grandaughters on the eve of their birth,,,,,after their birth, and at each birthday. I write to them telling them about how I felt expecting their arrival and documented all the thoughts and dreams I have for them. It is for when they are grown....they can read the letters and appreciate the love Grandma had for them. It is nice to think that after I am gone,,,,,,,,,,,they will have me with them in their hearts. Lisa, I wish you the best . I can't wait till you get her,,,,be sure to post pictures,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,Barb fron New England
Posted by: shar Date posted: Sun Apr 27 20:43:19 2008
Message:
I just sent you an email about how much you are going to love being a parent. And what awesome parents you and Chris will be. Let me know if you received it, ok?
BTW, your right-when parents are in the process of adopting, they hear every horror story. Ron and I used to joke that it was like hearing all the horror labor stories!
Posted by: Mandy Date posted: Sun Apr 27 20:26:35 2008
Message:
Being a mommy is the only job I love, and ever will love. Whether it is my big, 6'1" 14 year old son telling me "love you mom," or my little 6 year old slipping his arms around my neck for a big hug and kiss, or some good female bonding over pedicures with my girls...nothing in this world could ever compare to that kind of joy.
Posted by: carmen Date posted: Sun Apr 27 18:36:26 2008
Message: lisa, we were sitting around last night, the 4 of us, having dinner in the backyard. we had just bbq'd some nice steaks and were laughing and joking around. my kids, who have always fought, sat there and cracked jokes with each other.
i had a moment where i was sitting there watching, not hearing a word, their lips were moving, but seeing the laughter and love in my kids' faces and my husband's face and at that point and time i could honestly tell you any heartache we had raising our kids disappeared in that single moment.
nothing ever replaces the laughter of a child, whether they are 20 or 2. life is just that. laughter, tears, pain, fun, happy, mad, sad, but the smiles and laughter make it worth while 10000xxx over!
Posted by: Bonk5 Date posted: Sun Apr 27 16:49:38 2008
Message: Hi, I was thinking of doing the same thing!
I have 3 great kids. They have their moments, their thing, they are growing up. I was looking at old pictures, I thought how did I ever take care of 3 little kids and work and do the house/grocery shop/bills etc.
But I did it bc thats what you do! I love being a mom! Sure its hard but so rewarding. Check out my son, graduated from college, got a job, has his own car, own apt. He is 22! we raised him the best we know how (not everything we did was right) but he turned out well.
When the kids were little they would run to me as I got home from work, *mommy, mommy, I missed you, I love you!* What a wonderful feeling! (Now its the doggie that runs to me, LOL*
My daughter and I are so close, I just adore her! We get along really well! How? I let her make choices but was there when she needed help. I guided her, but let her try new things. I did not over protect. Plus we are very much alike!
Here is a note to everyone,one) always or at least 4 to 5 times a week eat together at the dinner table. We don't so much bc sometimes it is just son and I, as hubby has night school. But on on the weekend we do. We all had breakfast this am! Talk together, get them to open up to you about the day. How? don't be over critical of their friends or ideas. (of course if is a danger thing they are telling you or immoral step in) Play games at the table, have fun. We used to pretend we were each other. I might be my son, someone me, it was fun!
two) take vacations together as a family even when they are in the teens. Do things together.
three) be involved in their school, volunteer, ask questions, get to know the school and teachers. I worked and I still helped out.
four)even if you have to use full time day care, pick them up early or take them later. Jobs come and go, but kids are only kids once and it goes by fast!
five) be involved toether in a group/club/scouts/church/sports. Something the whole family goes to or at least dad and child or mom and child.
six) Make sure they have chores, do not do everything for them. Teach them to wash their clothes, clean (my daughter still is a slob but we try!) cook, manage money. Decide on this one about allowance.
six) make sure they have all the tools and do the best they can in school. For some kids its A and honor classes, some kids its C and after school games, and that is fine. you know your child. Don't over stress them with getting A
s bc some kids its hard and/or they won't want to try.
Nothing in life is worth having without some hard work, but oh having a child hug you is so wonderful!
Be the parent, but have fun, dance, sing, color, garden, play basketball together and most of all enjoy them it does go fast! I miss my kids being younger!
Posted by: SuzyB Date posted: Sun Apr 27 15:50:37 2008
Message: Before I had my son I thought I had already experienced love to the 'nth degree'. I didn't know my heart still had room for more love to bloom. But the moment you see your child for the first time, your heart grows by leaps and bounds. And it's a different kind of love than you have for your spouse, or your other family members, it feels very different and is extremely powerful. Suddenly you know that you would do anything, absolutely anything, to care for that child and to make every day of his/her life that best that you possibly can and that you want them to know every day how much you love them and how much you wanted them.
It's not always an easy 'job' but the fringe benefits of hugs & kisses and ''I love you mom'' makes it so rewarding and fulfilling. Parenting has made me a better human being.
Posted by: Carissa Date posted: Sun Apr 27 15:34:21 2008
Message:
I think we only tend to post about our 'problems' with raising kids. I know I do.
Read my reply to cc's topic about her daughter, above, for comments about my son. I've posted on here about him before because I was at my wit's end.
But with my daughter, I never need advice or help. Why? Because she's a straight A AP student, loves marching band, has scads of friends, does her homework without being told, takes care of all her business without my help, etc.
The only frustrating thing about her is that I have to chauffer her around a lot but that will change when she turns 16 this summer.
She isn't perfect, of course; but she is very easy to raise, and I hope she continues to be. All kids are different.
Of course parenting can be difficult, just as any other relationship can be difficult. But that doesn't mean it isn't worth doing.
Posted by: Wendy Date posted: Sun Apr 27 14:14:46 2008
Message: I'm in awe of my triplet sons every single day. Sure at age 15 they can be mouthy teens at times, but they are smart and funny. They are kind and have good morel values. They have a good bunch of friends-guys and gals that hang out together. Its fun watching them enjoy their youth. They volunteer 3 hrs a week with a group of mentally handicapped teens, assisting them with projects, games and just hanging out talking. Its not all easy, they just started driver's ed last week-Oiy Vey!! They girls are calling,Im'ing and hanging around. Im not ready for this, but so far they've shown me no reason not to trust them, so I have to give them a bit of freedom.
Parenting probably is the toughest job Ive ever had, but its also the most rewarding.
Posted by: Elizabeth Date posted: Sun Apr 27 14:05:24 2008
Message: Even though I have ALWAYS wanted to be a parent, I was STILL overwhelmed at the incredible love I have for my child. And I know I haven't experienced the tween/teen years yet, but I can speak for the childbearing and extremely demanding infant care and say that IT IS ALL WORTH IT. I can't wait to see you SHINE as a parent, Lisa.
