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DOOL Discussion Group
Forgive me in advance....got some rambling thoughts going on, and can't sleep. Figured it might help to get it out of my head.
So, I've currently lost 47 pounds. (sorry, I'll check in with you WLSG ladies tomorrow!) In the process, it's to be expected that I will also change on the inside. I've gained more confidence in myself, respect myself more, put myself as a priority, etc. But, I'm worried that it's changing me too much sometimes.
Lately, it seems like I've been more short tempered with Toby. It's like suddenly I can't just let him "slide by" as a dad/husband. I've always done pretty much everything for our family, and only asked him to do a minimal amount. It used to work, now I find it doesn't. In putting myself as a priority, I'm changing the dynamic of the house. I need him to do more, and I think he secretly resents it, and in turn I secretly resent him. Yea, I know - communication. Maybe some feedback from you guys will help me know what to say.
Another thing is that I have this fear. I fear that I may change too much and the person I become won't be in love with him anymore. Is this a normal fear for someone going through a life changing event like this? I'm already weighing less then I did 10 years ago....I don't know who that girl was 10 years ago, so I think it's scary to be in an unfamiliar place. What happens when I get to my goal weight? Will I be the same person? I'm afraid I won't be....and I'm afraid deep down that my marriage won't be the same either. Am I subconsciously putting up a road block for myself here?
I'm not sure what I'm asking....like I said I just needed to get these thoughts out so maybe I can sleep. I hope I've made at least a little sense....
I have read all of your responses, re-read many of them. Each one of them said at least one thing that was just like "whoah, are you in my head??" Some picked up on stuff that I hadn't even realized myself yet.
There's some stuff that's bothering me that I can't talk about here, but I have been able to talk it through with someone today, and I'm feeling better.
I had a long talk with Toby tonight about that, and the other stuff that was bothering me. I even asked him how HE felt about me losing weight. He asked 2 questions. 1 - Are YOU happy? (yes) and 2 - Are you going to leave me? (no) That's all he cared about. I asked him if he ever felt that I might leave him, and he admitted that he did have those concerns last summer after he jumped through the window....it was around the time that I was really starting to exercise and stuff, so yea - he was feeling insecure that I would not want to put up with him and find someone else.
We also talked about how I need more help around here. He's always said to just ask, and I understand that, but I told him that it takes more effort to ask then to just do it myself sometimes. I told him that he should know that there are certain things that need done every day, and it would really help if he could just jump in and do some of them without me asking....but I will also work on asking him more too, instead of just doing it all myself.
We are going to try to get away for a weekend in about a month. I really think we need it, need some alone time without the kiddos.
Thank you all so much for your thoughtful input....it has helped me tremendously!! You guys are my rock. :)
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Interesting and wise pondering, Traci. I know I don't have the 'answer' but I do have some thoughts:
First of all & most importantly....the changes you are making w/ your weight WILL have affects on you internally/mentally. There are reasons that we overeat, make bad choices in food and gain weight. Those reasons can be vast.
Losing weight absolutely opens up all the reasons and causes a natural cleansing (healing?) process. A process that is needed and healthy, for sure.
I would say a lot of cleansing is going on in your life right now. Again, a good thing.
My only advice would be to fight like hell for the things that matter in your life. If in the end your marriage isn't right for you any longer, then you know you at least fought for it, but you WILL know. You MAY find that your marriage is stronger than you would have ever known. You may find you don't need to fight for it at all, that Toby grows with you w/ a little encouragement.
I think you are wise to think about the future and have a game plan in place to fight for your marriage if need be by asking these questions. And, to answer your question....yes, I think your thoughts are VERY normal. Your life is undergoing a lot of change. Change causes reflection. Period.
Also, a random thought that may help: the Traci you were 10 years ago at this weight isn't the same Traci today (weight or no weight). There may be too much mentally in trying to remember that girl when too much has occurred in these years. (I am also basing this comment on other conversations we've had about remembering our past selves at certain weights). This may be just TOO much reflection (lol). Thank god for growth! If I've gotten your comments wrong, I apologize...I just wouldn't try to remember the girl too much that you were at the weight you are today. It's mind boggling and time does change us all.
Traci - You amaze me! You are so wise, so young. Sure, the outer changes are going to cause inner changes too. That doesn't mean that your family and children can't adapt too, and they most likely will. I think that you are so smart, however, for realizing that there could be problems; that will help you react better IF there are issues. From what I read, you and your family have weathered a lot in the past few years. I think you can deal with almost anything. Keep up the good work!
BTW, a few years ago when I went to WW and lost about 25 lbs., my husband asked me if I was getting ready to leave him! The thought had never crossed my mind, but how interesting that he had even thought that! I was able to reassure him...
We've been married almost 15 years - those years have been loaded with changes and challenges. I am so proud that we have made it and I hope we continue to do so.
I understand completely, Traci.
Me & HubbyDING going thru the same thing. Not because of weight loss (lord knows I've lost a total of 150 pounds by losing/gaining at least 30 pounds at least 5 times!!!!) but because I am growing in so many ways & he is staying the same.
He just turned 37. I will be 45 this summer. We're BOTH overweight. I haven't been very successful in this turn of the scale. I'm pretty sure it's cause I'm hormonally whacked right now. But at least I am TRYING. I exercise at least 30 min each day. I am averaging 1300-1400 calories per day. I quit ALL junk food (30+ days now, yay me!) and I am choosing healthier foods, etc. What does HE do? Nothing. No exercise, won't even ATTEMPT giving up junk food, and won't eat veggies or fruit hardly ever... He says he'll just "cut back a little" & lose weight like he did in hi-school.... 
I keep telling him that he is not 17 anymore! He is going to have to realize sooner or later that his 37 year old body is DIFFERENT from his 17 year old football/wrestling team body. And all I get is a "blank stare" & the typical "I know" answer.
ADD TO THIS the fact that he rarely helps me with housework, doesn't cut grass (I had to hire a lawn dude!!!!) hasn't washed his truck in MONTHSSSSSSS.... I have to NAG HIM to get him to do the slightest things (load the dishwasher, feed the dog, vacuum the floor....) he's just gotten PLUM LAZY! All he wants to do is sit on his arse & watch TV... and I swear - I love the boy, I do! - but damn if I'll live like this the rest of my life.
Y'all know me well enough to know that I am no mouse. I have spoken up several times about his lackadaisial (sp?) B.S. So it's not like I'm silently stewing or holding it in or whatever. I've told him he's going to have to jump on the bandwagon somewhere down the road, or hells bells will be ringing. (up-side his head!)
Traci... as you suspect, you could very well be outgrowing your honey. It happens sometimes. It's not because you're losing weight. Please don't put that burden on your health! What you're doing is important for your health! For your well-being!!! For your child!! But you can also combat this issue with your husband... Try counseling. Try anything. But don't give up without a fight!
I'm going to play the devil's advocate here.
Many times, when people experience a positive change in their lives, they get the mindset of "I did it, why can't you?" This is especially true with many who lose weight. And to be honest, when a person is content, it gets annoying to keep hearing others criticize you for not jumping on the bandwagon too. My mother is like this since she lost 50 lbs. I have no desire to do any kind of dieting and I'm quite vocal in telling her my feelings.
Have you considered Toby's feelings and what he may think of your opinion towards him? I'm not saying he should slack off in his responsbilities as a husband and father. But honestly, he should not be expected to change his physical appearance because you have. If you are contemplating leaving him, it's best to tell him now.
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I know exactly what you are saying. I feel like as we come into our own either the men in our lives come along, or they don't. I agree that it is good to be gentle, but it is also good to know what you want and what you deserve.
As you know John and I have been having trouble for a while. I am nice, I am being patient, I am trying to see his point of view ( his whole life has changed... he is no longer the center of the the universe) BUT.... I now want a P A R T N ER..........not another child.
I may be ( LOL) throwing my situation at your situation but I have seen it before. I just hope that John and Toby come along and don't get left behind. I feel sad for John a lot because I feel like he doesn't get it, and I will only be patient so long, because life is short.
I think women are great with change, we accept it and we move THROUGH it and men get stuck and that is a mistake.
Good question...
Let's see..10 years ago you were in your early 20s. Now you're in your early 30s. That, my friend, is a huge chunk of growing time. In fact, that's the climb into adulthood. So that, alone, can make a big difference in a relationship. Two people can start in the same place, but they then can grow up into adulthood in a completely other place. And that can work out, as long as they stay equal partners. If one becomes the parent and the other another kid, that's where the problem comes.
Or if one expected the other to change over time, that's where another problem comes...As I've typed before, one of the most common gripes I hear from people concerns frustration about someone NOT changing...drinks too much, does drugs, smokes too much, is lazy, eats too much, doesn't have a fire beneath them. But those are the people they fell in love with. How could it be that these things annoy them now? Because they had unrealistic expectations for another human being.
Since I'm spouting off, I shall now address your weight loss.**APPLAUSE** Best thing for you, Traci. And here's where I've seen problems with that...when the person who loses the weight starts getting a wandering eye. I really don't see that with you at all, so I don't think that's a problem.
Overall, I think you're still kind of reeling from Toby's crisis last year. As much as I can tell from a computer screen, you've been handling that amazingly. And I'm sure that it's not easy...one day must be very different than another sometimes. But it seems to me that you're committed to your family, and that's the most important step. You gotta be you, Traci...and personal growth is always a good thing. And losing weight will make you healthier and more capable of a lot of things. That opens up a lot of avenues for you to do things as a family. And that makes for a stronger family.
Don't doubt yourself. You're doing really well...
as mothers we are always the last priority in the house because we choose that. i know we all do because if we put ourselves as first we are being selfish. that being said you are finally able to take life in your hands to make yourself a healthier and happier person for you and for your family. maybe if you share with them -- toby -- that you are also doing the changes for them so you will be around in the future.
i know when i start losing a lot of weight and changing i get scared. failure? gaining? what will people say? my clothes? it's scary! i think my weight protects me from other things but i have no idea what.
just keep an open dialogue with toby and concerns. HE maybe the one afraid that you are going to leave him! HE maybe the one who has the same fears as well!!
trac, you have been thru a lot and you will get thru this and be fine. and congrats on the weight loss!!! i'm so happy for you!!! i think about you on the eliptical too!!
xxooxx
hang in there!
Traci, I believe what you're feeling is completely normal. When you transform yourself on the outside it can't help but affect the inside, too. You can't and shouldn't try to put that Genie back in the bottle but you can be sensitive to how the changes in you affect others.
Toby has to be prepared for the changes. You're doing a smart thing by recognizing this dynamic now and how it has the potential to negatively affect your marriage. Share these same thoughts with Toby, explain to him that you realize you were carrying too much of the load and that you need things to be more equitable. I know you'll be careful how you couch it so it won't come off as a criticism of him. Try to keep things on a positive note because, after all, these are GOOD changes.
Good luck!
Traci,
Congratulations on the weight loss and, yes - the new you! When I started to lead a healthier lifestyle, I expected my husband to not only be proud of me, but to also try change his habits.
It upset me to watch him eat too much and lounge around watching TV while I was taking time to exercise, which gave me more energy, which motivated me to get to those house projects that we'd been procrastinating on forever.
He was so very proud of me and told me every day, but I lost patience and some respect for him - and he was simply doing the same things WE always did, but he chose not to change. I didn't like the way I felt and still don't.
Do you feel like you are doing this for you, but he is benefiting as well? Why can't he try to do the same? If so, tell him..... talk to him.
Nicky
Interesting thing is my daughter is overweight and now that she has decided to get a divorce she is actually losing weight. She said that she no longer feels the need to eat all the time which makes sense to me. And Traci maybe changing is not all that bad. I believe you are finding yourself.
You have also been thru alot with Toby and the kids. Nothing is ever easy if its worth fighting for. You are changed for lots of reasons! But you are still Traci deep in your heart and soul. You need to talk to Toby about how you are feeling. You need to talk to others who have lost weight like you on how to contuine and keep it off. Do you have someone you can talk to face to face that understands. What ever you do, try not to use food as a comfort thing.
When years ago I lost lots of weight and got to goal, I got lazy about going to Weight Watchers. People kept saying to me *you are so skinny, why did you loose so much, are you ok, are you healthy* you know all that stupid stuff. Then I did not exercise hardly at all, (15 years younger!) I started to feel funny, like it wasn't me, started to eat again!
They should give us therpy when we loose lots of weight, LOL! But Traci, you are a strong person and I have faith in you, keep loosing and keep growing in your mental, emotional and spritual needs!