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DOOL Discussion Group
It probably doesn't help that I feel like I am catching a yucky cold, and went upstairs early tonight right after dinner.
About 7:30 or so I found out my 16 year old daughter went out for jog with Baron, our 1 year old German Shepherd. Since she had him with her, hubby figured she'd be safe. I totally freaked out (inside, I didn't start yelling or anything) and made my 14 year old son get on his bike and catch up with her. He was cooperative, but didn't fail to tell me I was being wayyy paranoid.
I was terrified a wierdo would abduct her. I am so paranoid right now, it seems there is always a pretty young girl missing, from broad daylight.
When she got home she was obviously miffed, but didn't say much. I told her I was afraid for her to be alone and asked her to bring her brother or sister from now on. She agreed, but had that 'are you for real??' look on her face.
Yes Baron is a GS, but he is only 1 year old, and so far he is still very friendly.
This is so hard! And now I feel like a yutz. And a footnote to demonstrate how absurd my life can be, 14 year old son who went out to make sure 16 year old sister was safe forgot his dang bike helmet! Jeesh! So then I stood in my front yard waiting for BOTH of them to come home in piece.
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I don't know your neighborhood or the crime statistics in your town, so whether or not you overreacted is impossible for me to say. And it's your judgement that counts as you are her parent, not me.
I would; however, definitely let my 16-year-old girl (yes I do have one for those that don't know) jog with a dog in our neighborhood, during the daylight hours. There has been one murder in this town in the past 5 years, and no abductions at all that I know of. The neighborhood is a low traffic area and there are people jogging, walking, walking dogs, and riding bikes all the time.
She and a friend used to ride their bikes to open houses in adjacent neighborhoods on Sunday afternoons, when they were 14. I thought it was a cute hobby of theirs and I had no problem with it. Again, this was during the day and they never crossed a busy street.
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You are just being a mom.... I can't mention to my mother that I jog daily, or else she flips out over her 27 year old daughter JOGGING. LOL She doesn't sit around worried about my daily drive, back and forth to the schools, but running scares her to death, apparently. She'd love for me to sit in the house, get fat, and die of .... fat-related complications. But jogging, no. I have to jog in secret.
Seriously, there's about a million things people do every day, that puts them in more danger. I understand your concern about abduction. But teenagers are drinking, doing drugs, getting in the car with people who've been drinking, cliff diving on a dare, and millions of other things. And most people are abducted by someone they know. Often it is an angry ex-boyfriend or husband, or at least someone they would trust to get in the car with them. Most likely no one is going to try grabbing her in broad daylight; they would try to get her in the car peacefully. And I think you've raised her with some common sense, so it's unlikely she's going to fall for that. Not to mention I think you keep kidnapper-types out of her life to begin with...
LOL about sending your 14 year old off without his helmet to look for her! That's funny.
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Mandy, don't you know anything about being a parent in today's ultra-modern society? Your 16 year-old should be moving out of state to shack up with a 40 year-old man she met on the Internet by now, and your 14 year-old should be developing a daily diet of cigarettes and Mike's Hard Lemonade. ;-)
But all kidding aside, I think Ingy is right, thanks to the media's scare tactic trend of reporting, perverts are on every corner just waiting to grab someone, and you're not safe anywhere...people are going to overreact. I do think your daughter should have told you where she was going as she is still 16, but to have a chaperone with her whenever she takes a jog or a stroll through the neighborhood----no. And if you still feel uneasy, then get her a can of pepper spray to put on a keyring so she'll at least have some protection. I have two "rape" whistles on my keyring, and luckily I haven't had to use them except to jokingly break up a playful arguement at work.
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When my daughter was in kindergarten a little boy in her class was hit by a car and killed. He lived in our neighborhood and it happened there. It was my responsibility as a parent to help her through it. We sat and talked about it, we cried together and got through it with no outside help.
I also feel it's overprotective many times to bundle a kid up in all the pads so they can skateboard or do other things. When I was a kid we were just as daring as kids today and did it without all that gear. I was the one that jumped off the roof of the corn crib with an umbrella and I wasn't damaged, just disappointed! I never knew of one child dying or even being seriously hurt from falling off their bike. Skins and scrapes went along with the territory of being a kid then and we all survived. It concerns me that some kids will grow up feeling they can't deal with anything and we all know life can be difficult. Sometimes you just have to let them test their wings and fly. This may not be a popular opinion, but that is all it is, an opinion.
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I think I would feel okay with my 16 year old going for a jog in a familiar neighborhood. I let my twins walk to and from the pool, 3 blocks away on a pretty busy street. Of course, they have each other and a cell phone. I want them to be safe, but I also want them to grow in confidence and independance. Is it just the fact that she was alone? because if I had a 16 year old babysitting my kids, I would feel okay if they went for a walk with her, 16 is definitely old enough to be responsible for taking care of younger kids, I would feel they are old enough to take care of themselves.
And I am a bad mommy who doesn't have her kids wear helmets, either. They stick close to home and mostly stay on the sidewalks. Our pediatrician did say I need to insist they wear wrist guards when rollerblading because she sees lots of broken wrists from that sport.
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I am with Lisa K & Ingy. They said everything real well.
I think your daughter should have told you she was going out for a run. Then you would have be more aware. I think running out without saying anything is not good.
Granted I live in a small town where we know everyone. I let my 9-year old ride his bike (without helmet) to the park or play outside. But he has to meet a buddy or ride with a friend. If he is outside our house alone, he has to know which neighbors are home. If I leave him home for a few hours by himself, he also knows the rules. If he is ever scared or threatened, he knows who to call for help & which houses to go to if he is at the park.
Now, if we were in a bigger city, with more strangers; I may feel differently.
I do worry about him & get scared. But, I also want to give him a little space, responsibilty and freedom to make his own decisions. Plus, I don't want him to be so paranoid either. He is a kid and I want him to have fun, without worries.
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I like Ingy's response here. I know it's scary but as parents we have to allow them to feel strong and independent and not weak and vulnerable. It's a mind set really. I know from hanging out in NYC in my teens that most people leave you alone if you look and act confidant, know where you are going and have street smarts. I think sometimes in an effort to protect our kids we really don't prepare them for being independent and that is really what our jobs are. I like to instill that confidence in the boys.
I know that there is always that little bitty chance that something bad will happen, but I am not going to allow that to interfere with them growing up...and away as they should.
When they were babies and young I never trusted anyone because they were not able to take care of the situation, but now Jack and James walk and bike all over the place. I have told them what they need to do if someone tries to grab them, and I trust them to make the right choices. Tommy (who is 10) can ride around the block as long as I am in the front gardening and such so I time how long it takes him. He can play in the park behind our house with a group of kids as long as he checks in.
I know it is scary but she has to feel empowered, not vulnerable. Now I would encourage her to find a running buddy but the dog is fine too. It’s like she is a good girl and she does have a good head on her shoulders it might be time to trust her. I know it's not HER you don't trust BUT it's about trusting her to make the right decisions.
It is a scary world, but I agree with ingy, it's no worse then when we were kids. My sister and I were at a local schoolyard when were about 14 and some jogger guy exposed himself to us and we just ran home and called the cops. One time I was walking home with a friend and some guy stopped his car and made some comments, we told him to get away from us and went home. I mean it happens.... and you deal with it, and that only makes you more capable in the world.
(((hugs to mommies))))
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I don't think you overreacted in this day and age.
50 years ago? Yes. But not today.
We live out in the boonies...lots of horse people, cowboys. Life is slower here. But I can tell you this--my guard isn't down for a second. Lots of our neighbors don't lock their doors.
Not this city girl!
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Mandy, I think your reaction is an example of an overall trend of parents becoming more and more overprotective these days. I know people say it's because the world is such a dangerous place, etc. but IMO things are not much different than they used to be. The difference now is that the media blasts these stories 24/7, we have Amber alerts, Stranger Danger being taught in the schools (not that Amber alerts and Stranger Danger programs are a bad thing), televised trials, etc. The result is that people have become hyperaware and don't know where to draw the line between being smart and being paranoid. Also, families are much more willing to go public with these situations than they were in the past. Parents of an abused child will agree to be interviewed on television now whereas years ago they would have tried to keep things as quiet as possible. So now not only do you hear about these cases more, but suddenly there is a face to it and we see the families grief up close and personal. We see them live on Oprah instead of reading about it in a short mention on page 10 of the B section in the newspaper.
Experts say there are no more pedophiles, murderers, and rapists than before (in fact, some crime statistics say those kinds of crimes have actually decreased over time) but when you watch the news you'd swear there's a pedophile lurking behind every tree just waiting to snatch your child the moment your back is turned. In the overall scheme of things, it's actually a very rare occurrence that a young girl gets snatched off the streets by a stranger. There's a many, many times greater chance of a 16 year old girl being killed in a car accident than being abducted or attacked.
I think it's sad that parents are living in such a perpetual state of fear these days and I'm concerned about the messages that are being sent to children. Do we want to raise confident, optimistic, motivated youth who will go out into the world and be a part of it, or a generation that's fearful, dependent and paranoid? Is it any wonder kids more and more live in virtual communities on their computer when we keep telling them what a terrible and dangerous place real society is? Do we lock our kids up til they leave for college (or insist they live at home and take online classes instead of living on those dangerous college campuses) or do we learn to let go and enable our kids to experience life normally? While it's natural and appropriate for parents to worry about and protect their children, to a certain extent I think we sell our kids short by not trusting that they have some walking around sense and can figure some things out for themselves. Seems to me that kids these days are much more aware and sophisticated than they were in my day.
Mandy, I would say that if you really want to protect your daughter (and give yourself a bit of peace of mind) you should consider enrolling her in a self-defense course (or even take it with her) or offer her karate lessons or something like that. Speak to her about personal safety and being aware of her surroundings. It's better to be proactive and take constructive action than to allow your emotions to run away with you, because fear by itself changes nothing.
I would take this as an opportunity to think about where you want to draw the line in dealing with your kids. We can't protect children from every conceivable danger. It's more important to put the emphasis on those things that can be prevented and the areas which pose the greatest actual risk (like alcohol/drugs, wearing a seatbelt, etc.) and give them the tools to assess situations and protect themselves. I know all this is easier said than done and there are those who would dismiss my comments simply because I don't have kids of my own. But in some ways, I believe I may be a bit more objective because not having kids I'm not so close to the situation that my emotions will carry me away.
I'm glad you posted this topic, Mandy. It's real food for thought. I'm sorry you had such a fright but knowing you, you will find something of value in this experience. Take care.
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I don't know how the crime rate is where you live but if it is anything like some cities, you most definitely were NOT overreacting. When I lived in Houston there is no way I would go out for a walk after dark, even with a herd of Germies, much less let a teenager. I don't blame you one bit.
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It's our kids! totally understandable..the world is not a safe place and personally I don't think you overreacted at all. You're a mom, it's your job! ;o)
I make sure I know where the son is at all times (but he's still nine)...but still, I can't even imagine how I'll be when he's a teen..yikes.
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Oh yeah, you overreacted. When does your period start? LOL.
You're a mom. It's allowed as long as you don't do that too often. If it makes you feel any better, last year we were in South Dakota and were staying at a hotel near Mount Rushmore. We found a hotel on the main strip, but you had to go up a very very very steep driveway to get to the hotel. Well, the Sturgis motorcycle rally was going on, so the entire Mount Rushmore area and most of South Dakota was overrun with bikers. After we checked into the hotel, the blonde wanted to go to the car to get her luggage and PB and I (mostly me) freaked out that she walked out of the hotel and into the parking lot by herself. She was 16 too thought she was perfectly safe and that we were overprotective zealots. But there were bikers!!!!
By the next day, PB and I were the ones initiating the conversations with the bikers and no longer saw them as akin to Hells Angels. But noooooo, I wasn't overreacting one bit. LOL.
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