Y&R Discussion Group

Topic: Need some help accepting this

I just got the shock of my life.  My brother, who is a police officer, father to three, and i thought a very devoted husband.  He is also very religious, which makes this harder to swallow.  He just sent an e-mail to the family saying that he just ended an 8 month affair with a local woman (also married) and his wife is devestated.  To give you a little background, his wife was pretty much orphaned when he met her, and my family totally embraced her.  They were married about 11 years ago.  Even though she never worked (brother didn't want her to) but she kept herself up.  She is the cutest thing.  Only 4'11" and 95 lbs.

Why did he do this?  And why is he telling everyone instead of trying to just work it out between them.

In my opinion, I could 'possibly' handle a one-night-stand if my husband cheated on me, but almost a year???  That meant that it had to mean something, and that also meant that he sacraficed a lot of time with her and the kids to be with the other woman.  That HAS to be almost unacceptable.

Now that he has told everyone, I almost feel it is my responsiblity to do something.  But what?  He's hurting, she's hurting and now the whole family is going to be hurt.  I did ask my brother if I should reach out to his wife, but he said she's probably not going to be too eager to talk right now. 

I'm sad and disappointed at the same time.  Need advice!!

You should pass this website on to them:  www.survivinginfidelity.com

it is great.  Very helpful, for the betrayed and wayward alike.

there are boards for both.  and Reconcilation forums. 

A good place for info, they have a healing library with lots of useful articles.  Infidelity takes a good deal of time to get over.  If you even ever get over it at all.  Some of us, two years out, still think of it, and feel daily pain. 

Your sister in law is going to need support, but she may be feeling overwhelmed and, believe it or not, embarrassed. 

Your brother may have told the family as a way of owning his stuff...

While maybe not reaching out to your sil right now, I think I would quietly let her know I was there and available to her if she needs or wants me to be.  It sounds like your family has become her family too, and I think not supporting her would make her feel like the whole family has abandoned her right when she may need some emotional support.

Just let her know you are there for her and leave the next move to her.

Anyway I guess all you can do is be there for either one of them. Good luck.

Replies: (list all replies)

i've decided to stay quiet and only be here if brother wants to talk. i have to take a long look at what happened to me and hubby years ago. thank goodness that we both took the high road and didn't talk badly about each other. I think that is the only way that his family was able to accept me back. (And no, there was no cheating....just a lot of conflict, money problems etc.)

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Posted by: Kate
Date posted: Thu May 1 17:19:21 2008
Message:

 

Katie.  What I'd do would tell each of them that you were ready and willing to help in any way  ..............and then stand silently by.

My friend Carolyn and I got involved in a similar situation helping a couple who were mutual friends of Carolyn and me.  When the pair reuntied, they shuned us ;>)  I think both were embarrassed of the things that they shared with us.   After a few years, we all got together again, but it never was quite the same. 

This poem says it better than me:  The Friend That Just Stands By

Written by B.Y. Williams.

 

When trouble comes your soul to try,

You love the friend who just "stands by."

Perhaps there's nothing he can do --

The thing is strictly up to you;

For there are troubles all your own,

And paths the soul must tread alone;

Times when love cannot smooth the road

Nor friendship lift the heavy load,

But just to know you have a friend

who will "stand by" until the end,

whose sympathy through all endures,

Whose warm handclasp is always yours--

It helps, someway to pull you through,

Although there's nothing he can do.

and so with frevent heart you cry,

"God bless the friend who just 'stands by'!"

 

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Posted by: rushlan
Date posted: Thu May 1 17:02:16 2008
Message:
It is very difficult when the people we love disappoint us, especially at this level.  Give yourself some time and remember that forgiveness is a very powerful and wonderful thing. 

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Posted by: Mitch
Date posted: Thu May 1 15:15:04 2008
Message:

Really the only things you can do are (a) offer your sister-in-law your emotional support and (b) thank your brother for letting you know before someone else did.

I have a feeling that brother informed everybody before someone informed on him.

Replies: (list all replies)

That was my thought exactly. Kate, I know this has to be really disappointing to you. ~i&b

Good advice, Mitch.....Rose Bush....eom

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