Y&R Discussion Group

Topic: Polite But Firm Replies for Nosy Questions....Anybody?

How do you handle a friend who's just a little too inquisitive sometimes? Janice is friend now for 25 years, a good one for the most part.  But she tends to want to know every little dirty detail on EVERYTHING, not just on me but on others in our group. 

She also shares stories between the friends on what's going on with the others, example... 'Suzy and Charlie are having problems again, Suzy says she's filing for a legal separation once she gets her teaching degree.  Charlie's drinking again and playing on 2 different softball teams so he's never home'....you get the picture.

Anyway,  It's been a trying time in my family lately.  My son's girlfriend became pregnant last winter, they ended up getting married and are trying to get on their own two feet right now before the baby arrives.  It's been a rollercoaster ride, good days and bad days, mixed feelings, concern for them, etc...I never confided any of this to Janice for months, because I didn't feel like getting drilled for info and then having her call all the other friends and discuss it with them.  I feel like it's a private matter.  However, I did finally come out and mention it to her last month, because their marriage is a fact now and the pregnancy is obvious.  Naturally, she wanted all the low-down, about his wife, her family and background, where they're going to live, how are they going to support themselves, did they ever consider any other options blah, blah, blah. 

I absolutely just DON'T want to get into all that with her but I'm not sure how to politely but firmly shut her up.  I'm having a hard time because she can come on VERY STRONGLY and catch me off guard.  We're having a friend get-together next week and I'm sure she'll bring the subject up.  I hate to avoid attending because I generally enjoy everyone's company.  Any suggestions?  I'd appreciate it.

Your friend needs a life..lol.  A friend of mine does that and the ONLY way I broke her of it is I pulled away from her and almost out of her life for a couple of years.  

Now when we talk, I only tell her surfacy stuff because she's a gossiper and she is very opinated.

You can't really stop a friend like this except by pulling away from her and not being as close to her as you are.

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Yes Donna, and you know, she's always been this way even way back when she was really busy in college and for a time when she was working 12 hour days, I never could understand it cuz I'm usually kind of in my own little world unless, God forbid one of them was ill or something serious. But she has such a memory for (and interest) in all the details of everyone's sagas, lol. thanks.

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Posted by: suzannes
Date posted: Sun Jun 14 11:32:57 2009
Message:
Or, you could jokingly say...."Are you writing a book"?

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Another good one that's direct and straight to the point. Thanks Suzanne.

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Posted by: Jenny
Date posted: Sun Jun 14 2:22:13 2009
Message:

You could say, "Well, Tom and Sue are in love, what can I say?  They haven't shared all of the details with me, so I doubt they would appreciate me spreading what I do know.  Kids, gotta love 'em!"  Maybe she'll get the hint about "spreading things."

People are funny and they don't always know that they're just too nosy for their own good.  Sometimes we need to zip their lip for them.  Stand your ground.  If, God forbid, any information is reported in the newspaper (other than the birth announcement), she can read it there.  The newspapers are intrusive enough.  We shouldn't have to worry about being grilled from our friends!

Congratulations on your new daughter-in-law and your new addition-to-be.  I wish them and your family lots of love, health and peace.

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Thanks Jenny. True, some people just don't have a clue when they're too nosy for their own good. BTW, you make a good point about lack of privacy nowadays, with newspapers and internet as well.

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Posted by: serialmom
Date posted: Sat Jun 13 20:03:50 2009
Message:

I would probably force a little laugh and say ""Whoaaa! Slow down, are  you writing a book or something?''  ''I really don't feel up to answering a whole bunch of questions right now.  do you mind? Whether in person or on the phone say, '' I'm really sorry but I've got to --- --- now. Talk to you later.''  Do it every time she starts with the questions.

I have such an aversion to asking personal questions I am always afraid people think I am not interested.

 

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Good point SM. I have the same aversion to asking personal questions. And if one of the girls does confide in me about a personal matter, I leave my comments to 'sorry to hear that' or ' let me know if I can help', I leave out the opinions.

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Posted by: Annie B.
Date posted: Sat Jun 13 12:13:53 2009
Message:
I agree with the other posters, lulu. It's really no-one's business.

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True Annie, it's not even my business to be discussing, which is why I resent it even more than if she was inquiring about me, myself, rather than my child.

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Posted by: rosie
Date posted: Sat Jun 13 9:01:32 2009
Message:
A good friend doesn't ask , they just listen. Maybe you can just say it's been tough and we're looking forward to the new baby and a great future for them. I love them dearly ! Maybe this will stop her thinking there's a nasty story for her to spread without alerting her to anything is wrong in any way . It would be nice to be able to just plain say , gezzzzz , mind your own business and be considerate of our feelings, but I think that would just get her radar up, she sounds a bit nosy and gossipy. Congrats on the new arrival, when is the little person arriving ? You will love it , babies are wonderful.

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Rosie, had to laugh when you used the word 'radar'. My sister has always used that word for J too. Appreciate the advice. Baby boy is due Oct. 6, we're all happy and hoping for the best. Thanks for asking.

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Posted by: ingyandbert
Date posted: Sat Jun 13 8:26:17 2009
Message:
I think the best approach with people like that is to throw it right back on them by saying, ''Why do you ask?'' or ''Why do you need to know?''  If she says something like ''I'm just curious'' then say ''I see.''  And say nothing more.  That exchange followed by silence should tell her you'd rather not discuss it.

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Good advice Ingy, direct and straight to the point. Thanks.

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Posted by: Cassies grandma
Date posted: Sat Jun 13 7:13:34 2009
Message:
I think I would just say "well it's a long story and I am sure now one but the immediate family really cares to hear all the details. We are all just hoping it all ends well." Than if she asks for more ignore it and change the subject.
Good luck

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And that's the truth of it too. Thanks CG.

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Posted by: faysie
Date posted: Fri Jun 12 23:53:55 2009
Message:
I'm not much for gossip, so when anybody asks about something that I feel is 'off limits' I just say that I don't feel comfortable talking about somebody else's personal business. And I don't. They get the hint.

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Funny enough Faysie, I've said that very thing to her when she was discussing another friend's dirt with me, you'd think she'd get the point.

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